Letters to Lovers

I haven’t been able to sleep a full night without taking some sort of medication since the night I saw you last. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to get you to tell me the truth about how you feel about me. The fact that you won’t is driving me crazy, and I know it’s because you don’t want to lose the status you have in everyone’s lives. Sometimes I wonder if, when you’re older, you’ll regret not telling me all of these things because then I won’t be around anymore. I’ll always be here for you, but never this way. Unless this gets resolved quickly, I have no choice but to tuck my emotions away and never bring them out again. I could try to give someone else the key, see what they do with it for a while. This sad little puppy dog look you give me always brings me back, and I can’t do this anymore. Why is it that I like you anyway? You’re everything I’ve wanted in another person, and most of what I want in myself. You have a sense of adventure, and I’m stuck here, being responsible with a job and a goal in mind. You’re asleep on a strangers floor right now and I’m up in the middle of the night again, worrying about what tomorrow will bring, or the next day, and so on, and so on, and so on. You have no idea how much I want to be you, how much I want to run with you, if no other reason than to just be free for a while. This whole being an adult thing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and you know that. So why can’t I just understand that and convince myself of it?
I play these little neurotic games with myself by doing things I know I shouldn’t. Hurting people that haven’t done anything wrong to me. I could say it’s self defense, but in the scheme of things, it’s not. It’s because I can’t trust anyone anymore.

I have to write a letter to the person I hurt most. It has to be honest, and unmerciful. And I think I have to give this letter to him. I think it’s the only way I’m going to get any sleep tonight.
I really want to be next to you when I do this, but I haven’t even told you what has happened to me for all of these years.