Letters to Lovers

I have this inevitable tendency to over analyze, to say too much, or not enough. I say the wrong things at the wrong time. I am too honest at inappropriate times and keep my mouth shut at times when I should’ve said something. I am always clumsy, always tired, and always wanting more. I haven’t been really truly happy for longer than a few days, one of these times being last week. I have a less than desirable face, but can use it to my advantage. I have been around the ones I want to marry, so I know how to catch them and keep their attention. I am not the person you think I am, and you don’t know if this is good or bad. Then again, neither do I. I have been rejected only once in my life, and hope to never feel that again, although it grounded me for quite some time. I haven’t engaged in anything truly inspiring in years, and I used to be the one who inspired people. I have the unexplainable to run, but couldn’t find anywhere to stay if I did. I people watch, in hopes to find true love, as it seems almost impossible. I am jaded, cynical, self loathing and bitter. I have the patience of a goldfish unless I like you. And then you have my undivided attention. I am slightly shallow, slightly undeserving of most things that happen to me, and wholly inaccurate with my predictions on what I would’ve been doing with my  life. I am a small piece of a huge part of my life, and I haven’t found anyone worth fitting in with me. I once depended on people too much, and now I don’t depend on people enough. I am in love with a stranger, and in love with a best friend. And truly, honestly, unhappy with the situation I have put myself in. I am the one thing stopping me from doing what I want, and I am blaming it on everyone else. I have made a mockery of myself in front of people to gain attention. I have harnessed the ability to make people cry on my behalf, in spite of me loving or hating them. Just to know that I have the ability to. I am not the person that I want to be. I haven’t stopped crying in years, but can say that right now I am the happiest I’ve been in over a decade. I want to see how it all ends, but I am afraid to know the truth. I am vulnerable and wanted and nervous and unreliable. I am the person that you could love if you tried, but I am not the person worth your time. I am not worthy enough for you, but can make you happier than you’ve been with any other human being. I play to your strengths and exploit my own weaknesses. I am not alone in any of this.