November 2010
1 post
It’s funny how I associate songs that are vulgar and shows about war and drugs only with you. But there you are, mixed in with all the bad things. Funny how that works.
September 2010
1 post
I’ve been writing all these things down that I think of you on my iPhone; these sad moments where I wake up from dreams about you only to realize they haven’t come true and you’re a million miles away and my life is just the same as it has alway been. I wake up and write down all the things that I feel hoping it will be some sort of therapy. It’s not; it’s sad. I come...
July 2009
1 post
I’m completely confused about what I mean to you
June 2009
3 posts
after everything.
It’s been completely surreal seeing you again. After years, and after all we’ve been through, suddenly I have you. You have grown so distant from everyone though, and for that I am sorry. I abandoned you at one of the worst times in your life, and for what? Something that is making me miserable, even still. I have been trying to be as honest as possible with you without you losing...
dear self,
I have this inevitable tendency to over analyze, to say too much, or not enough. I say the wrong things at the wrong time. I am too honest at inappropriate times and keep my mouth shut at times when I should’ve said something. I am always clumsy, always tired, and always wanting more. I haven’t been really truly happy for longer than a few days, one of these times being last week. I...
sometimes, i feel like i’m not good enough for you. most of the time, actually.
i wonder why you have bothered to deal with me for this long, and why you haven’t just told me to leave you be.
i wonder if maybe i’m your last restort, and then i wonder why you would even need someone like me in your life. i’m not great. i’m not even good. and yet, you’re talking...
May 2009
2 posts
i want you
I want you. I want to be there with you, and know what you’re thinking and know your pain and your happiness. I want to know you better than yourself, so that when you’re sad and don’t know why, I can fix you. I want to run with you and lay with you and be with you and kiss you. I want to know that when you’re asleep and smiling, it’s because of me, not because of a...
symbols.
I can’t get enough of you, and I hardly know you. You have me thinking about you all day, and when I go to sleep, I want to fall asleep fast, just so that I can wake up to talk to you the next day. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like this, and I don’t think I know what to do with it. You put me in this magnificent place in my mind where I think, if I can get someone...
March 2009
6 posts
Insomnia
I haven’t been able to sleep a full night without taking some sort of medication since the night I saw you last. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to get you to tell me the truth about how you feel about me. The fact that you won’t is driving me crazy, and I know it’s because you don’t want to lose the status you have in everyone’s lives. Sometimes I wonder...
Coincidences
It’s those small little things in life that make you wonder whether there is such a thing as fate, and I sort of wonder this with you. Truth be told, I don’t really know if I should be near you, you are so passive aggressive, and you bring out some interesting traits in me. But the strange thing is, there are so many odd things that I like about you, that I wish I could just have in...
So don't...
The way your mouth forms those mean words so easily kills me. You drive out to see me and then I become so invisible to you, because you don’t have to try for me. I am yours when you want me. Those two weeks will kill me because I’ll see that smile and that look when you want someone, only it won’t be. I meant those things I said while laying there with only the moonlight...
Birthday wish
Today is your birthday.
You invited me to come celebrate with you, but I don’t want to… I can’t. I want you all to myself and I guarantee that won’t be an option if I show up there tonight.
Right now you’re on stage, spinning, and not thinking about me. I can’t have you and it fucking kills me. I’m not used to this, you shouldn’t have been the one...
My Camera
Today we talked about pictures, memories, love and life.
I think you underestimated my statement: you really do bring out the best in me. I can’t believe how happy I am when I’m around you, and I know that I don’t want to be with you at all. Although fucking you was incredible so long ago… that would definitely be the extent of the feelings that I have toward you. You are...
Please Understand Me
I am lost. Completely lost. Up until now I thought I knew what I wanted from you, but honestly, I don’t think I can wait around for you to become yourself anymore. You are losing your passion for life, and taking me with you. You’ve made me a jaded person, and everytime I could do something positive, I end up at home, with you, while you hate the world. I can’t bear to hear...
February 2009
6 posts
The things I omitted
That letter to you backfired on me. The things you wrote back hurt, but I didn’t want them to. It turns out I have more feelings for you than I thought I did. I asked a friend about the email, and what they thought, and they responded with this:
“he hates that he loves you”
And it’s true, isn’t it? When I brought it up in that letter, you did everything you could...
The Letter
Instead of hiding behind this blog, I decided to send you a letter with everything I thought. There are still a few things that I wanted to say, but I felt bad for hurting you so much, and didn’t want to say things that I thought would hurt you more. I keep finding pictures and emails and want you to know that I care for you, probably more than I’ll ever admit to again, only because I...
M
In my ideal world, you will be here waiting for me 20 years from now. You’ll be the person I end up eventually growing old with, assuming you can get the fuck over yourself. These personal little attacks that you throw at me on a daily basis are digging this hole for yourself. You don’t seem to understand that I am the best you’re going to get, and it’s because I was with...
So, this is what the movies try to portray
Right now I’m watching you sleep, and you’re beautiful, in your own way. Your little twitches as your body tried to resist resting, the quiet snores that come every fourth breath or so, it both relaxes me and makes me feel uneasy. I want to hold you, but holding you at this point means I want to stay, and really, that’s one of the last things I want. You’re not that great...
I have what I wanted
And now I want you gone. I see now that you really aren’t worth sticking around for. You treat me like a four year old, grow the fuck up and stop telling me your lame jokes. The world isn’t fixed by telling jokes about penises, and if it was, I don’t know if I would want to stick around to see a world like that. I now see why she didn’t want to marry you, you’re not...
The next time you question my feelings...
Just remember that the more I write about someone, the more I love them. Just because I leave you, doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It just means that I can’t stand who I am when I’m around you.
Remember this when you come across this someday, and see that almost all of this is about you. You can feel hurt, or you can realize what I have:
We just aren’t meant to be.
January 2009
3 posts
So, where do I begin?
I’m vulnerable, really really vulnerable. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, especially lately. The truth is, although you make me happy, I can’t be happy with you. And I used to think that there wasn’t a difference, but there really is. It’s not that I don’t love you, matter of fact it’s my love for you that has kept us together for this long. I feel like if I...
Get out of my life.
I’m begging you. I can’t get you out myself, you’re too perfect for me, but I can’t stand you anymore. Please, just leave.
I keep seeing things that remind me of you.
Okay, okay. I’m a bad person. I don’t know how I can possibly explain what’s going on in my mind anymore. I don’t love you like I used to, and there are times that I really do try. I don’t know what to think about us anymore. I mean, there’s no spark, only comfort, and sometimes I think that it’s the comfort that keeps us together. I don’t know what...
December 2008
3 posts
It's not as easy as it used to be
After a certain point I stopped wondering what would’ve happened if you and I stayed together. The love is there, that much is true. But is there really such a thing as goodbye when there is love between two people? I want to be with you, but I know that it won’t happen. And maybe the mystery of wanting to be with each other is what will keep the comfort of one another alive. You will...
I'm not in control anymore, and this is wonderful....
I don’t really believe you, but I want to. Part of me thinks that you feel for me more than you’re willing to admit. It could be because of our age difference, or it could be because I technically can’t like you, and you can’t like me. It’s like a modern day Romeo and Juliet, only it’s my own feud that I’ve created. This doesn’t get any easier…...
I give myself some energy.
There are times when I want to go up on a rooftop and jump. If I survive, then that means that I’m meant to do something else, and if not, then I guess I don’t really have to worry about it. Unfortunately, I’m just not ready to put that much trust in fate. Matter of fact, there is 0% trust in fate’s direction. So why think things like this? Old habits die hard. I used to...